I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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