I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
