My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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