Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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