You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
