I smell stomach acid.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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