Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i love accidental penises.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
