I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
