I bet he comes in French.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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