My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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