I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
