I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
