I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize