Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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