I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
