Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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