I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
