Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
