I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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