I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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