this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
