Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
