I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
