All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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