I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
