drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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