There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
