My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
