So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
FUCK WHALES
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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