Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
