Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
