please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
