i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
