I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
