she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
