Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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