FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
