i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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