So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
