I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
