My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
