my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
