Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
