I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's official drugs can't kill me
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
