i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
