on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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