we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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