I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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