I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
