Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
