Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
