So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
