Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
