Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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