batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
