By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
