There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
