just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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