forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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