Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
