i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Can you bring me the toilet please
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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